i decided to screw packing and talk to a screen... i am sorry... i don't really know what i am apologizing for but i am... i realized that i just hoped for somethign that wasn't, you ever get that feeling??? when you know nothign is there and notihgn is goign to happen, but you just tell yourself... mayeb there's a chance.... see, my slight chance is now no chance... hahah... i like it that way... except that's a lie... and i promised i wouldn't lie to you anymore...

i am going to try to confront people directly, right off the back... you do it so well... i am jealous... i just want to be able to tell you what's going on... i told you basically the jist of it.. but not all, of course...

alright... i will be back

once again, you know my name

i am levaing... in 2 hours... i will tell you when i get back... let's just say: we read into it WAY to much...

-you know my name-

this is for someone... i know you know and i know you are probably reading this... listen...i know what i did makes me pretty fucked up; but i can't care becasue you don't care... if you don't care, what am i supposed to do/say about it? You don't blow me off but i make it as awkaward as possible because that's part of my bubble.... i don't know what i am asking for all i know is that i am an ass... for many reasons....

i thought to myself last night, becasue many peopel brought me to the reality, that i read into everything.... every word, every comment, every touch.... it scares me becasue i want to believe something that is not true... but, i can't help it... i can't help what i want to come true... i just can't... i am sorry to the world for all the "reading into" i am doing... i really am because ican't help it...

i will be back later...

by the way, harry potter was the most fuckign amazing thing i ever witnessed.... thank you and have a fabulous fucking day...

[!~@ jensup @~!]

just to let everyone know, i am not dead... i just don't write on this piece of crap because i don't have time or energy b/c i am suffering from the sleeping disease (not mono, the other one) says chelsea...

alright, so how is everything in xanga world??? i miss it here.. i was just reading james's comments on my old, old entries and they made me laugh for the first time in a few days...

you now when you just screw up and can't fix it... well, that's where i am... i screw up with my parents becuase they don't like me; i screw up wtih school, in general, because i am stupid and get in trouble a lot; i screw up with boys because well, look at my love life; i am just a piece of shit; a useless piece of shit....

yesterday was supposed to be amazing... i tried so hard and got nothign because that's the shithead i am... he was there and i didn't even say "hi"... not even a fucking "hi"... what the hell is so wrong with me that i would not say hello to someone i see 3 times a year??? what was i thinking??? and i got nothing too... not a hug, a convo, nothing.... yesterday was one of the worst days i experienced in my life... not really, i am being an ass

i wish that i could turn back the hands of time and fix things... all the things i fucked up in my life... for example, all the things listed above...

what else, well i am sitting in tech with chelsea, ciara, lynn and mr nodarse... it is quite a party... ia m having quite a time.. mr nodarse tells s we are getting b's when he knows he is putting straight a's on our report cards... i love him... and i love cheslea... she is an amazing person and i love everything about her.

oh,, and as for VICA... me and atusa are damn champions!! we won third place after hectic shit with Chef B.. it was great!!!i bonded with the following assholes: Tramaine, Josh, Paul, Jai Man Lee, Emil, John, Tristan, Ed... it was so much fun...

my goal this summer: to lose 20 pounds and keep it off. i am sick of looking at myslef in the mirror and wishing i had what other people have. i want to be happy with myself... and i am sick of trying so hard for no reason. i am sick of being this person i'm not... if i was back @ IHA, my life would not be like this. i would never get in trouble and i would never have changed so much about myslef. but, if i had went off to my catholic school, i would not have been able to meet such amazing people. everyone @ school is so different from what i am used to. they impacted my life in wyas i could never forget... i am glad that i met them and i never want to leave them ever... and i am scared because high schoool is going so god damn fast.. i can NOT graduate ever... i am not good with good-byes and i never wnat to say good-bye to these people i love.

I miss St. Joes and everyoen there. i miss seeing jenn, and mary beth, kristen, tommy, james, and everyone liek joe, billy, kevin, luke john, tristan... i misss it. i miss spending time with them. i feel that we are breaking away from what we had. we don't have the same connection anymore.

i am leaving for now but i will be back later

[!@~ Jen ~@!]

hi im atusa..and since jen hasnt written for 2 months, im updating for her.

we'll life has gotten a little better from the last entry..those 2 weeks were the worst weeks of our lives..however, its april now, and schools almost over and we can kinda go out now..not really tho lol

we killed live lobsters today in culinary and ate them for lunch..except me and jen didn't eat them cuz we made friends with the lobsters

jens sweet 16 was awesome! DJ ADAM WAS CRAZY! hahah..ok and i met all her target people that ive seen so many pictures of.

vica is soon!

payce ei!